The Answer Is Still No

Tantrums in toddlers: why they happen, why they work, and why they stop

The child is on the floor of the candy aisle or a toy store, and the whole store has gone quiet to see what the mother will do.

Every parent has stood there. The face is red, the legs are kicking, the voice has reached a pitch that carries all the way to the cashier. People look, then pretend not to look. And the mother does the arithmetic every mother does in that moment: one chocolate bar or a toy, a few pesos, and all of this stops.

It does stop. That is exactly the problem.

What a tantrum is

A tantrum is normal. It is not the sign of a bad child or a bad home. Most children have them somewhere between the ages of one and four, and they usually peak around two and three.

They happen when a child wants something and runs into the fact that he cannot have it. At that age the wanting is enormous and the words are few. The part of the brain that holds a feeling still and waits it out is barely built yet. So the whole body says what the mouth cannot.

Some tantrums are simply that: a tired, hungry, overwhelmed child coming apart. But many are something else. Watch where they happen. In public, in front of the toys, at the checkout counter, with an audience. They are aimed. The child has learned, or is about to learn, that a scene can move a parent.

That is not wickedness. That is learning, and children are very good at it.

Should you give in?

No.

When you hand over the toy to end the crying, you have taught a lesson, and the child learns it perfectly. Crying works. Screaming works. The floor of the store works. Next time, he will reach for the tool that worked.

Every time you give in, you are not ending a tantrum. You are paying for the next one.

Why it gets worse before it stops

The first time you hold firm, the tantrum does not shrink. It grows. The voice gets louder. The crying goes longer. There is pulling at your arm, pushing, throwing himself down harder. Anything to get your attention back.

This is expected. Psychologists call it an extinction burst: the old strategy being tested one last time at full strength. It looks like failure. It is actually the sign that what you are doing is working.

And if you give in at the very loudest moment, you have taught the worst lesson of all, which is that louder pays.

Calm and firm

Stay calm. Stay firm. Do not give in.

Calm means you do not shout back, and you do not argue with a child who cannot hear arguments right now. Keep him safe, keep him near, and say little. "No. We are not buying that today." Then wait.

Firm means the answer at the end is the same as the answer at the beginning.

Firm is not the same as harsh. I never spanked my children, and a tantrum is not a reason to start. Hitting a screaming child teaches him that the bigger person wins by force, which is not the lesson you meant to give. You do not need to win the moment. You only need to not move.

Children know, very quickly, when a parent cannot be moved. And once they know it, they stop trying. Not because they were punished. Because it did not work.

When it is over, it is over. Pick him up, wipe his face, carry on with the day. Later, when he is calm, is the time to talk. In our house those talks happened in the bedroom.

Do not walk into the fight

The best tantrum is the one that never starts, and many of them can be avoided before you leave the house.

Know your child. If he loves chocolate and candy, do not walk him down the aisle with a wall of it at eye level. If toys are his weakness, the toy store is not a place to pass the time.

Know your budget. Bring your child to the places full of toys, games and sweets only on the days you have the money to spend there, and have already decided to.

Know your limits. A tired parent at the end of a long day is not the parent who should be holding the line in a mall. Some errands are better done alone.

This is not giving in. It is choosing your battles before they choose you, and sparing yourself an argument with a two-year-old that nobody wins.

When to bring it to the doctor

Most tantrums need nothing but patience. But see your pediatrician if they are still frequent past the age of five, if they come several times a day, if they routinely last longer than about twenty-five minutes, or if your child hurts himself or others, or holds his breath until he turns blue or faints.

The child on the candy aisle floor will be fine. He will get up, and he will learn.

The only question is what you teach him.